My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Stop sending me this shit.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
multitasking lunch
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope