Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
when there are deer in the woods
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Great acting.. 😂
Here’s a meme
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.