A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.