Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*me flirting
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.