Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I鈥檇 buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
this chia pet tastes awful
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.