My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid