If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy