‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My love language is hissing.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET