Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.