The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no