Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
constantly working on myself.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Big Sex has us all fooled
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.