They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
So Hamburger help me, God
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
weddings should have a worst man
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else