every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Fun Things
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
they see me scrollin
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50