me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
applying for a new job
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
