If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Multitask? I can barely unitask
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
