Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Wednesday
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.