guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet