ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*jazz hands*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin