Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Basketball
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*