They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her