In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
