There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I love texting my boyfriend
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.