I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000