My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Human are so complicated
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination