Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 馃檪
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
make your kid鈥檚 birthday party a special one they鈥檒l be talking about in therapy for years
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
john wicks are toilet candles