[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
she鈥檚 already got guys telling her she鈥檚 beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Sorry I鈥檓 late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 馃槶馃槀馃槶馃槀
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 馃檪
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
make your kid鈥檚 birthday party a special one they鈥檒l be talking about in therapy for years
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.