That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.