Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway