I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law