I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker