My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank