Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
nyc:
