(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
mom gave me mine for free
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
jesus christ confetti not now
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby