I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
tag yourself
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Grandpa
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
🤣😂🤣😂
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
