Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
😭😭😭
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA