Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
A new level of troll.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.