I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Imma just leave this here…………
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”