Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Facebook memories be like
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you