I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.