yes, those are my real potatoes.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
lmao
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident