Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Facebook memories be like
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me