me
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.