Imma just leave this here…………
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Money is the root of all wealth
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m not lazy
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit