There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
going to the ER y’all need anything
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.