This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…