DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches