Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
😜
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.