I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
