My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
(True)
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months