‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
rapatouille
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.