The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Jupiter
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.