Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Oh we’ve met.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My hips? Compulsive liars.