I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
back to work
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time