Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’ve had worse
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?